5. The Wall

This is a classic, my friends. This wall is the most well-known on campus — so well-known that it has triumphed over literally every other wall to assume the definite article and become not merely a wall, but the wall.

The only problem with The Wall is that it’s not a wall. True, it is made of brick, and it is in some ways wall-adjacent. But its primary function is not to support a building, or even to separate one location from another. It’s really more like some kind of concrete planter. And while I don’t think a wall must be straight, a perfectly cylindrical structure with a filled interior — even if that filling is soil — is categorically a pillar. There is a low ledge jutting off of Whitney that could qualify as a wall. But it really is more of a ledge, and I’m skeptical that you could call it anything more than a barrier.

Also, in common parlance, the phrase “The Wall” doesn’t even refer to the structure, it refers to the plaza around the structure. The Wall gets to be number five because it’s an important location, but I will rate it no higher because it’s taxonomically difficult and not a very comfortable place to sit.

4. The most terrifying place I’ve ever been

Have you ever wanted a wall that made you fear for your life? This is the experience I was promised while Claire Winter ’28 gleefully explained how to get to what she compared to Montresor’s family catacombs in The Cask of Amontillado.

Under Eaton Chapel (but not in the basement), there is a nightmarish space that I am certain I was not allowed to be in. This location, being a room, actually has several walls, but I will contain my rating to the first one I saw entering this pitch-black space: a narrow stone wall behind a series of small stone steps descending into a void.

Being under a holy place, you might expect this wall to have some storied history. Perhaps it was touched by a saint, or spit on by the Pope. I can assure you that this wall has no such history. It has always existed in a timeless darkness and probably oozes some kind of black ichor when no one is looking.

Maybe it was because I went alone, and the lead-up to entering this space was already walking through an empty church, but I left afraid and swore to never return. I am sure I lost some vital part of myself down there in the dark.

Anyway, overall I give this wall an eight out of ten.

3. The cave wall

I meant to go into the cave under the Logan Museum at some point to rate the walls in there, but it turns out you aren’t allowed to just like, wander in. But I hear it’s pretty nice and apparently there are bats down there. So that’s cool. Love me some unworked stone.

2. Emotional walls used as coping mechanisms

Is walling up all your emotions the right thing to do? I don’t know, but I won’t ever stop doing it. I love sealing up all my stress, fear, and anxiety behind a fresh layer of mind-bricks. It makes me feel like a real mason. Plus, once you’ve done it, you never have to acknowledge those feelings ever again. Just keep piling on the mortar, baby.

1. The wall of the Round Table office

I am not saying this out of a sense of loyalty or obligation — even if Viv and Ella’s snipers do have their laser-sights trained on me — but the wall in this room is great. There are so many things on the wall that you can look at it forever and find new things, and they’re all really funny. There are quotes, comics, and various absolutely insane things.

Do the things on the wall count as the wall? I don’t know, and I don’t care, because never before has a wall brought me so much entertainment value. It’s like when you read all the shampoo ingredients and prescription information while you’re using the bathroom, except actually interesting.