By Samuel Shea
Everyone knows Beloit as one of the sweatiest, raunchiest liberal arts Colleges around. From the football team to Aardvark Authors, we got wall to wall hotties, folks. I know we have all heard wild tales about this pent up sexual energy prompting two (or more) individuals to engage in some classic Midwest coitus in some bizarre locations. Pearsons. The Powerhouse. Phi Kappa Psi’s roof. Some particularly promiscuous students even make it a goal to have intercourse in every building on campus! Can’t really put that on a resume, and it’s also not very Christian – but neat! With so many great options to choose from, the Round Table reached out to me – an incredibly experienced sex-haver – to pick my top 5 locations to hit it crazy style with no contraceptive.
While it is difficult to pick just one favorite spot to do the nasty, I’m gonna have to go ahead and put my room at number one. I mean, it’s just classic. I can say with absolute confidence that I have had way more sex in my room than anywhere else. Part of this is because my room is where it is most socially acceptable for me to have sex. But it also has so many perks! Thirsty? Oh look, my favorite giant water bottle that I keep right next to my bed. Done porking? Wow, my television with all my streaming services, what a great post-plowin’ activity! By the way, if you’re a movie-in-the-background sorta cat, my favorite movies for sex ambiance are The Sound of Music, Rent, and Bridge to Terabithia. But yeah, anytime I have sex anywhere that is not my room, I’m sorta just like, “Damn. Wish I was in my room.” Number one: my room. No contest. Love it in there.
Now, coming in at a close second place is going to be Nick Lanpheer’s room. My favorite part about having sex in Nick’s room with no spunky on my itsy bitsy monkey is that he is unaware that I do. He keeps his door unlocked because he “trusts his brothers,” but believe me, when the cat’s away, I and at least one other mouse like to play. It also smells really good in there because Nick lights a lot of incense, so there’s some nice aroma therapy going on while I bone. Also, his fridge is always filled with flavored water (again, I get really thirsty), and he has a record collection that I can say belongs to me, which impresses the metaphorical mice. Great perks in here as well.
Number three? Devin Brog’s room. Gotta be. Devin’s room is great because he is always there and always down.
The next one might seem a little weird, but number four is the C-haus bathroom (the big one by the pool table) because it has a sink if I get really thirsty. Unfortunately, you won’t have enough time to fully do the deed before someone knocks on the door, but this makes it a really low-stakes interaction. It’s kinda just like, “What if” we had sex, but then it doesn’t actually happen. So you kind of get that thrill of bumping uglies somewhere that you’re not supposed to, but you don’t have to actually internalize any guilt or shame by performing such an unholy act.
Speaking of unholy acts, number five is the prayer room in Pearson’s. Yup. Hookin’ up Catholic-style in the prayer room. And by Catholic style, I mean unprotected. A good tip to make this experience as enjoyable for you as it was for me is to get the bible charades involved. This is a must. Disrobe to your comfort level, get the bible charades out and pick a random card. Then, act out the bible verses all sexy-like. Intercourse aside, this also makes the game way more entertaining because, as we all know, the bible charades have gotten way too easy. Someone makes one gesture, and I’m like, “Oh, Exodus 3:2-5, ‘and the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a flame.’” Look, I know this is sort of cliche, and you’re probably tired of hearing it, but I will say it anyway. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life, foreplay with charades.
These are just a handful of my favorite places to wet my teeny tiny little whistle. I will now conclude by throwing out a few honorable mentions that didn’t quite make the list. The Science Center: Too tall. Morse-Ingersoll: Too orange (this issue can be avoided by having sex in rooms that aren’t orange). The Powerhouse: Too reverberant. On the TKE foosball table: someone blew up the spot.
Featured Image: LuxoVeggieDude9302 on DeviantArt
Leave a Reply