By FLORA MILFORD
Beloit is a hard place to exist in. Everyone knows everything about everyone. Campus is tiny and anonymity is near impossible. You can’t get around without a car (or a lot of extra time on your hands and a passion for walking.) In the summer it’s too hot and in the winter it’s too cold. Commons has probably given you food poisoning. Despite these qualms (among other more serious ones), I’m excited for this semester. Maybe it’s because I’m a senior and care a little bit less about how people on this campus view me, maybe it’s because I started going to therapy, maybe it’s because I cook most of my own meals and am at less of a risk of food poisoning, but whatever the reason, something about this semester feels like it’s going to be different.
In the past, one of the hardest things at Beloit for me has been its size. Because it’s so tiny, I felt that I was constantly being watched. That every little thing I did was being judged and analyzed. Over my years here, however, I’ve slowly and somewhat subconsciously stopped caring. In fact, I go out of my way to do things that might be perceived as cringe or embarrassing. If people are going to hold their judgements regardless – I might as well take charge of the things they have to judge me for. Obviously I can’t get rid of every person’s social anxiety, but I give voice to the fact that caring less has helped me more. I would’ve had a much easier time my other years at Beloit if I cared less about how people were going to perceive me.
I spent this past summer preparing to come back to Beloit. Because I know Beloit as a place that’s been hard for me, I went out of my way to focus on myself and find stability. I thought if I could develop a routine of being kind to myself for the three months of summer, I could take this with me into the year. And I’m ready to do this.
With it being my last year here, I want it to be a good one. In the past, I’ve lost motivation and confidence in myself. The Beloit life has beat down on me and instead of coming up stronger, I flounder. I wait for the semester to end, promising myself that next semester will be different. But I don’t want that this year. And honestly, if that happens, I won’t get another year to make up for it. I don’t want to spend college hating college. So if it gets hard – which likely it will because that’s life – I want to sit with that and then move forward. I don’t want to let it crush me. I want to be able to thrive here and I feel ready to. I want to lead with an air of okayness. If I tell myself it’s going to be good, I allow myself to let it be good. I’m not in control of the world around me. I’m not even always in control of the world in my head. But I can try really hard regardless to let things be good. Obviously, my circumstances are different from everyone else’s but I want to share the excitement I have for this upcoming year and semester. Hopefully everyone can find excitement of their own. This semester has already felt different than past ones and I say this truthfully having spent a lot of time in Beloit, Wisconsin. People are showing up to things in ways they haven’t in all four of my years here – there’s a tangible excitement in the air. Feed into this energy – I know I’m going to. For the first time in a very long time, I’m happy to be here. I’m ready to let myself thrive. I hope you are too.
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