By BEN O’CONNOR
Among the riff-raff and hum-drum that was Boynton’s Birthday Bash on Friday and that whole kerfuffle regarding Eric’s dogs (they have been safely returned to their holding pens! Condolences from someone yelling out a window were shared at middle college for anyone who lost a loved one or favorite pen in the canine commotion) was the Beloit College Student Body Government elections. There were slight squabbles among students seeing as there were a limited number of votes available to be cast, and the only ones who could vote in said elections were those who bested each other in a randomly selected spectator sport (tic-tac-toe, staring contest, 18th century style duel to the death, etc.). This reporter decided to remain unbiased, up until the point where I saw a chance to worm my way into snatching the vote from under a fellow student’s sniveling sniffer, sealing their fate of being condemned to the Pit of Despair, located in the basement of Eaton Chapel.
Once I had gained the rare and powerful Voting Token (priced in the world economic market as worth 5 times more than the US dollar), I had a few selections of who I could vote for. There were many promising candidates, including the Blue Light pillar whose light doesn’t work, the mysterious plastic holy man who appears in various locations on campus, and the secret beast who is the real reason we can’t enter the “under construction” library.
Many important campaign points were made, but one caused the most controversy among students and faculty alike. One candidate, who upon interviewing could not be identified, vied for the tearing down of Commons Cafeteria, intending to replace it with a large, campus-use jungle gym to help students unlock their inner child. Newly-inaugurated President Eric Boynton commented on the matter, saying that he would be “lowkey kinda down” for the idea.
Tensions flared as Cecil Youngblood, Dean of Students and Beloit College Basketball Team Fan, believed the money should go to the Beloit Basketball team, which placed last in the MWC tournament last year. Youngblood remarked, “biggest embarrassment of my professional career.” When students were questioned about the matter, one student known only as Sleepy Joe shared that “this seriously will have ramifications on my pooping schedule if Chapin Hall goes away.”
In the end, it was revealed that the unknown candidate was just Boynton’s four dogs, Jojo, Vivi, Talula, and the Secret One, positioned atop one another in a large trench coat. When confronted about this in the hallway of M.I., Boynton became very defensive, walked around the corner, and returned in a fake mustache that was a drastically different hair color to his own. He then proceeded to evade the interviewer by walking nonchalantly past them, and almost escaped questioning had the mustache not fallen off right after passing the interviewer. Boynton was then led shamefully to the Powerhouse, where he was sentenced to remain in that weird yellow box with all the dials, levers, and miscellaneous doohickeys for a total of 16 minutes and 37 seconds. Upon release, Boynton shared that he was “a new man” and that his dogs would “also become new men.” For the safety of the campus, if any student or faculty member is confronted with an unknown man who relentlessly mouth-breathes in warm weather and occasionally barks, carefully remove yourself from the conversation, find a secure hiding place with a strong lock, and call security immediately.
I ended up voting for Camille to be the entire student body since we sat next to each other in Sustainable Cities with Pablo Toral, and if that isn’t something that brings people together, then I don’t know what is. Camille did not have anything to share on the matter, as I did not ask her any questions. I will now use this medium to do so, as I cannot find her no matter how far and wide I rest my gaze. Camille: how are you? Sustaining any cities lately? Please respond to me via fcc.gov at your earliest convenience. For all you Eric Heads out there, please note – this entire article is satire and should not be taken seriously in terms of truth. I know, I’m disappointed too.
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