By FLORA MILFORD

With our severe lack of food accessibility on campus, you may be asking yourself how you can make the most of our three (?) food options on campus – commons, hammies, and the sexy, stinky vending machines. Fear not, because I’m here and as a little rat that loves to shove garbage into my body, I’ve tried and tested many effed-up (but sometimes successful) vending machine food combinations. Here are my top finds. 

1. DIY Charcuterie Board

This is probably the best of all vending machine combos—though not the most vegetarian-friendly. You’re gonna get the Jack Links Jerky and a cheese stick (NOT the string cheese). If you really want to vamp this up (and you have the flex to spare) you can add some Dot’s Pretzels for that crunch factor. This combination is shockingly delicious and leaves you feeling pleasantly nourished (something that many things I put into my body at Beloit don’t do.) 

Ok, quick break in the article to say that I actually only wrote this article to talk about the jerky cheese stick combo but now am committed to writing something so I actually don’t really have anything else to offer. #oops

2. M&Ms and Lemonade

So idk how well these flavors complement each other but Ava Parr’25 (my beautiful perfect child) vouches for this. Kinda… When questioned about it, she told me, “I don’t think I get them because I enjoy them together but, you know…” 

3. Hummus pack and any sandwich (except egg salad maybe) 

The hummus is probably my favorite thing to get from the vending machine. It’s filling, delicious, and doesn’t make me feel like I’m being stabbed in the gut repeatedly immediately after eating it. However, to really spice up your vending machine volition (I KNOW I used that wrong, I just wanted to alliterate) you can add some of the hummus onto the bread of your sandwich. Not gonna lie I’ve never actually done this but I love hummus on a sandwich. I think this would go great with one of the turkey sandwiches, or the chicken sandwich. Plus you’ll get some yummy pretzels on the side! This is PRACTICALLY a full meal. 

4. Broccoli cheddar soup and chips 

Idk which chips. Mayhaps you’d enjoy this more with a pretzel. But the conglomeration of a soup and cracker-type object (in this case a chip) is unbeatable. This is a delectable vending machine option. 

5. Mac n cheese and M&M

I’m jokin! I think the mac n cheese would be pretty good with a pretzel or tortilla chip moment. Especially the tortilla scoop moment because then you can eat a crunchy scoop of mac n cheese which is texture heaven. You might have to walk to the Powerhouse vending machines for this though. OR you could get some Doritos as your crunch of choice. That would be pretty good either as a scoop or crushed on top. Speaking of crushed up on top, you could ALSO get the Hot Cheetos (shoutout to Commons freshman year when they would do this). Lowkey you could also do a mac n cheese chicken sandwich combination. Chicken and Mac is kinda unbeatable—I feel that this would be fire. 

6. Vending machine poppers

I swear this is a real thing you can get from the vending machines. Maybe pair it with a drinkity-winkity on the side for that inevitable headache you get after your thirty-second high. 

7. Eating an entire pack of orange Trident gum. 

Tried and tested by our wonderful news editor, Sophia. 

8. Rice Krispie Treat and chocolate bar

You can put this in the microwave and then you get an awesome chocolate-covered rice krispie treat. You don’t HAVE to… but I think it would be good. Or you could like get the rice krispie and crush up some Advil and put it on top and then get a five-hour energy and soak the treat in that and then also get the egg salad sandwich and put your newly made treat in between this and wash it down with a red Mountain Dew… idk just an idea. 

9. Milk and cookies 

You gotta go to the Powerhouse for this one but the chocolate chip cookies or the fudge stripes (which fuck so hard) and a milk chug is the most classic and most delicious combination. Very comforting yum. 

So yeah I hope that helped!