Sophia Nitsche, News Editor; and Cian McKeown, Staff Writer
Cian is playing Foosball, two against one, his friends’ pleas for mercy can be heard from the bar where Sophia is sitting. She’s gotten bored with the game as of late, the local competition hasn’t been up to snuff. Cian, a generally mysterious, awesome stoner, seldom crushed foosball amateurs in public at their local bar, The C-Haus.
She walks over.
SN: “Nice game of Bumper Pool you got going on here”.
Before responding, Cian twists the bars fast, sending the ball right into his opponent’s goal.
CM: “Where the hell did you learn to call it that?”
Cian turns around, setting his eyes on a fellow baby foot savant.
SN: “Watch and learn”.
She shoves Cian’s friends to the side, Kill Bill style. That night, day, or afternoon (they were drunk) Beloit College Foosball history was made.
Cian and Sophia, the best foosball duo in the Beloit Wisconsin area, oh yeah… that’s us.
Foosball, also known as table soccer, baby foot, bumper pool, or bloke billiards has been around for millions of years.
The first foosball table was discovered in an ancient cave made of pure crystal. Early cave paintings show primeval enjoyers of bloke billiards wrecking foosball ass.
It was brought to prominence in America in the 1950s, and could be found throughout pool halls nationwide, although if you ask me, they should be called foosball halls goddammit! It’s also in the Olympics, which we would qualify for if we were not so modest and even-tempered.
The game is essentially built on love. If everyone would stop scrolling on their phones for one fucking second maybe there would be fewer problems in the world like hunger.
We wake up every morning hungry, not starving, but in need of stomach fulfillment via some good ol’ baby foot. Legend has it, if you play enough foosball, you go crazy like the Joker. AHAHAHAHAHA (don’t ask). Feel free to release your frustrations by brutalizing a cork sphere that can easily fit in the palm of your hand (The ball). Expert players can get the ball to travel up to 35 miles per hour, that’s hot rodding in Grandma’s book(watch out windows!)
SN: (sighing) “I love foosball”.
CM: “Why are we spending so much time writing about foosball when we could be spinning that pole right now!”
We lean forward, grab our butts, and fly away like the Lorax.
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