By ARMITA AGHAMIRI and CLARA HOMPS
Over the past few weeks, rumors have been swirling that hell has descended upon Earth and made its landing in Maurer Link, Wisconsin. Many students have reported waking up drenched in sweat, fighting for survival as their body temperatures soared to 75 thousand degrees (give or take). Some have started to stink as they avoided doing laundry, unwilling to brave the hallway oven. Meanwhile, others were delighted to discover a sauna on campus. As the sweltering days dragged on, the temperature showed no mercy, and Beloiters began to wonder if a heat criminal was on the loose. As Maurer natives, we took matters into our own hands to investigate this ecological catastrophe. Is global warming to blame? Is Maurer’s electricity consumption secretly violating the Paris Agreement?
To get to the bottom of this mystery, we interviewed a few victims from Maurer. According to Xavier’28, “It makes my gluteus maximus sweat.” He added, “I have all my windows open and my fan on full blast, but it’s still so freaking hot!” Kenza’28, who lives in Brannon, offered her perspective: “I am SO glad I’m not in Maurer, and I never want to be in y’all’s position. It’s a blessing to be anywhere else.”
We’ve been gathering intel to build our list of suspects. Despite countless desperate messages in the floor’s GroupMe chats BEGGING people not to turn on the heaters, every time you open the lounge door, the heaters are on, cranked to full blast. So, who’s behind it? Is this some kind of twisted game? The culprit must have stayed over midterm break because that’s when the chaos began. When questioned, Xavier was quick to point the finger at Armita, saying, “Why are you giggling?… Weren’t you here for midterm break? You seem way too invested in this case.” Others speculate it could be revenge by someone from another building—maybe payback for smashing Brannon’s window or squashing the Brannon pumpkin.
Featured Image: Mauer Link, via Beloit College
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