Stop Playing the Piano While I’m Eating and Stop Yelling Also

By EZEKIEL KINGSBURY

Ok guys, it’s time to have a real talk. There I was, settling down for what I thought would be a moment of peace, a moment of serenity, and of course, my beloved meatloaf. I’m still having a really hard time getting used to the Powerhouse and having to be there. Then out of nowhere TikTok Top 40 songs start blasting from 30 feet away. And the person playing them on that damn piano isn’t even playing them well. This guy, hopefully the guy reading this, keeps looping the same two measures over and over because he keeps fucking up, like there’s some twisted competition in mediocrity going on.

There are like 100 pianos on campus. Probably more, we have no way of knowing. The only reason for you to be poorly playing the piano in that damn Powerhouse is some sort of weird sick freako humiliation fetish. You’re probably getting rock hard about this, and let’s be honest, that’s gross. Seriously, if that’s what gets you off, maybe take your show to the dorm room instead of subjecting the rest of us to your half-assed performance.

Now, let’s turn to the next culprit: the sick fuck who decided to install a piano in the Powerhouse. I know it’s bad form to speak ill of the dead, but Scott Bierman needs to pay for this crime. Even back when it was just Hamiltons and gelato all day, those damn key-ticklers were at it with “Say so” and Claire De Lune in the year of our lord two thousand and twenty three.

And while we’re on the subject of sensory torture, let’s talk about the acoustics. Old Commons was carpeted. New Commons is not. The level of noise we could all produce was much more ok and good when the floor absorbed most of it. But the Powerhouse is a giant cavernous space with no sound absorption qualities. You are yelling so loud and it’s scaring me. I am so freaked out. I love it when my beautiful boys are having a good time, but sometimes I can’t tell the difference between happy yelling and angry yelling when it all echoes into an unintelligible roar.

This isn’t just about a lousy piano performance or a few too many decibels—it’s about respect. Respect for music. Respect for your fellow students. Respect for me. Mic dropped. Zeke out.

Featured Image:Vivian Kopka’27