By SAM SHEA
Large portions of my childhood were defined by the free-to-play-pay-to-win computer game “Wizard 101.” My cousins and I poured hundreds of hours into this world together, exploring different realms and completing side quests. Krokotopia. Gizzleheim. The culturally insensitive Mooshu that did not take seriously the diversity and beauty of Asian traditions. Good times.
Recently, I have been recalling that I had this “girlfriend” on there that I would go on quests with and whatnot. To clarify, I was seven or eight years old at the time. In fact, the email used for my account was “sam7sam8@gmail.com,” due to the fact that I was currently 7, but was going on 8. That’s 100% real by the way, so hit me up if you want.
I remember being borderline infatuated with my “Wizard 101” girlfriend, and I often thought about her when I wasn’t playing the game. What’s weird is that I wasn’t thinking about some real life girl on the other side of the computer screen, but rather the actual, in-game avatar would show up in my dreams and stuff. Not like in a weird way. Just like in an innocent child sort of way. We would just like, hang out. Which is good because, in retrospect, my “Wizard 101” girlfriend was almost certainly a 40 year old man.
I mean, I just don’t really see another seven or eight-year-old child being as readily available to get online as my “Wizard 101” girlfriend was. Like literally anytime I invited “her” to the party, “she” would join immediately, like she was always just waiting for the opportunity. And while I would like to believe that seven or eight-year-old Sammy Two Shoes was just that charming, I doubt it.
Also, I had a very loose schedule when I was a child. My parents didn’t really care about bedtime during the summer, so I’d be up at like 1 a.m. on that Wizard grind and she’d still be down to join the party. Listen, from personal experience, the only people that are that desperate to join a “Wizard 101” party are older men who are barely containing pedophilic urges.
That being said, my 40-year-old “Wizard 101” “girlfriend” never made an explicit move on me. I mean, she would often invite me over to her house (in the game). She had the more expensive of the two homes offered in the first world. Remember that one big castle with the theater inside? Yeah that one. Baller. But no real addresses were asked for, no phone numbers, no nothing. Honestly, the play sessions were extremely productive and it was a very mutually beneficial partnership. Which like. Isn’t that almost weirder? Why are you, a 40-year-old man, playing “Wizard 101” with little boys if you’re not at least trying to get your rocks off?
I’m not entirely sure why I wrote this and I do apologize. Just something I have been reminiscing about as of late.
Featured Image: Wikipedia
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