By ERIC SEO
Since President Eric Boynton stepped into the big seat 2023, the campus has felt a serious, overwhelming pressure. Scott Bierman, may God rest his soul, did not face this challenge during his 14 year-long tenure at the college. Everyone knew that, when referring to the late president’s likeness, he was to be called Scotty B. The question then stands: what to call our main man, Boynton.
This question has caused nearly as much upheaval as whether to spell Commoltons as Commiltons or Commoltons (I will note, however, that Commoltons is the correct spelling). Many students gather to conjecture a Scotty B equivalent for the prez, with social groups deciding on the one that they like the most.
This is bad.
We, as a campus, must stand together in this time of uncertainty and present a unified name for our commander in chief. From what I have heard through the grapevine, there are several candidate names: E-Boy, Boy-oing, Boy Toy, Dog Lover 69, Boing Boing, Big B, Boyntonator, B-Sizzle, B-Money… the list goes on.
Students disagree about the best course of action to take. Ezekiel Kingsbury’25 remarks that “Boing Boing is fun,” while Svea Jones’25 points to Boy Toy as their favorite. We have a great opportunity to choose something that will last for, like, the next 12 years, and it is time that the disagreement comes to an end. Certainly, this is quite the opportunity, with the big boss having such a punnable name. Knowing this, we can immediately throw out the names like B-Sizzle and Big B; they are weak and you know it.
The question then remains: to boy or to boing? Should the pun in E-Bizzle’s name be one on the word boy or the word boing. Kingsbury is certainly onto something with this one; boing is fun. Boing is a funny onomatopoeic word for a funny, oddly sexual(?) noise.
BOING BOING BOING.
It does have a certain ring to it – a charming bounce, if you will.
On the other hand, the idea of naming the man, the leader, the father, the doctor of philosophy in the philosophy of religion after a male child is objectively funny. In that vein, E-Boy is too simple; the fruit hangs so low that it touches the bar we need to step over to have a better name than Scotty B. I see it, I do, but it isn’t good enough, and, quite frankly, it makes me uncomfortable.
If we are to boy, then Boy Toy, as mentioned by Jones, is the strongest candidate. It has a certain allure to it. It is a fun pun on his name, while leveraging our hip college humor to sexualize a campus figure. Genius! Personally, this one is a good one.
Why, I can hear you shaking your newspaper while sitting atop the porcelain stump. Should we not combine the two options? Why not boy and boing? To that, I kindly ask you to shut your trap. Boy-oing is not a good nickname. It is too hard to say quickly, hard to chant in a crowd of despondent students demanding that their king’s head be separated from his body, and, perhaps most importantly, hard to type.
So then, we are left with the two options: Boing Boing, the playful, bouncy noise of a gyrating tushie, and Boy Toy, a euphemism for a sexually attractive (and skilled) young man. Two excellent options indeed. I am no God (at least on this matter), so I leave this choice up to the greater campus community. To boy or to boing? THAT is the question.
TL;DR: You really looked here because you are too lazy to read? Shame on you. I know you know how to read (you are doing it now), so just do it lil bro.
Featured Image: Vivian Kopka’27
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