Most dating apps and websites operate on an inherently flawed premise. To boil down people into datasets and match them together based on proximity, similar interests as tagged by the user themselves, and cinching the deal provided that neither party is physically repulsed by the other, is an algorithm that sounds okay in theory but falls on its face in practice. It relies on honesty from users (inherent flaw) and all but crosses its fingers and hopes that you and your match’s mutual love of knitting will keep you together forever in order to bump up the service’s stats.
From what I’ve heard anecdotally, the whole ordeal is more trouble than it’s worth — potential matches on apps have the all-too-human capacity to lie or contradict themselves within their own profile, or to demand a person with such unrealistic qualities that their options are narrowed down to the point where they’d be more likely to walk outside and find a meteorite landed in their front lawn.
Some dating apps and websites, however, operate on an even more inherently flawed premise. On this list are some of the most godawful online dating services I’ve stumbled upon, ranked from least to most atrocious. Note that I have personally used none of these, and this is all from an outsider perspective. Let’s get into it.
5. Raya
Raya has a reputation for being that app celebrities use to date each other, I guess. Since I’m not famous, nor am I rich enough to fool people into thinking I am, I’m going off testimony from pop-culture adjacent online forums.
”There are far less celebs than … most people think. There are a ton of generic finance bros though. Like a TON,” says one user.
“it’s sooooo many software engineers and project managers,” says another user. “i probably saw like 3 big-ish name celebs and like maybe 10 smaller celebs and the rest were just rich looking white people.”
Some celebrities who have claimed mediocre experiences on Raya include (but are not limited to) Olivia Rodrigo, Lena Dunham, Drew Barrymore, and Kate Haralson — who is not a celebrity, but was on the Raya app at age 19 and matched with Matthew Perry, age 50 at the time.
Raya earns its place lowest on the list — it doesn’t quite meet expectations of users, but not quite as heinous as anything higher on this list.
4. Christian Mingle
I’m going to try and go about this in a way that isn’t just plain mean. For this reason, this section will be short. All I’ll say is that it was a crazy fucking move for Christian Mingle to partner with the cinematic universe prior to partnering with christianfriendlysexpositions.com.
3. Pookie Tools
Notably there is premature judgement due to this app’s borderline repulsive name. There is also premature judgment due to this app’s creator — the Hawk Tuah girl, Hailey Welch, who has fallen out of relevance. And due to the advertised “AI-powered”-ness. Pookie Tools is designed to help the user do good conversation when online date because people very not good at speak to ladies, much more when lady pretty. Pretty lady scary. Pretty lady hurt me feelings. This painful. Not in sexy way. Must use Pookie Tools. Must contract large language model to help me speak to pretty lady. Must prompt robot to fuck my wife.
2. Mouse Mingle
The only site for Disney adults to find Mickey Mouse-sanctioned relationships and hookups. I have to imagine there are two types of people who use this app — one, the person who casually likes some nostalgic Disney movies, or perhaps the Marvel franchise, and has had some bad luck on mainstream dating apps. This person joins Mouse Mingle in the hopes of having a preset conversation starter, like, “what’s your favorite piece of Disney media?” This person is fine and dandy, and could easily be found on a number of other dating sites.
The other archetype has not left their parents’ house and has a questionably-smelling shelf in a questionably-smelling room chock full of overpriced Disney merchandise. This person may or may not be very enamored with the idea of kissing sleeping women. Do the safe thing and don’t pay the $12.99/month to potentially stumble across this guy.
1. Date Right Stuff
If that name sounds vaguely familiar, it’s because you’ve probably seen it before. Founded by that one guy on Tiktok who got famous for mediocre ragebait/conservative circlejerk shortform videos while eating food wrong. Founded on claims that mainstream dating apps have “gone woke” and “cater exclusively to liberals,” John McBumblefuck’s app advertises the ability to “view profiles without pronouns.” These quotes are taken directly from the website.
Also on the webpage is the most obviously scripted video of several women being asked what they want in a man, and with acting worse than Sharkboy and Lavagirl through the lens of freshly adult eyes, the women in question echo each other’s rehearsed sentiments with corporate music in the background.
John McBumblefuck, born John McEntee but assigned Bumblefuck by all those with working ears, was also senior advisor for Project 2025. You know, the thing that wants to make all online pornographic content illegal. Which is usually antithetical to dating apps. In the business, we call that “working against your own interests.”
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