This year, I finally signed up for the hellscape that is Tumblr.com. I was aware of what the website was, as most of my adolescence involved some sort of fandom drama stemming from that godforsaken place, but I was never involved nor interested with what went on there. On a similar note, I have heard what a Tumblr Sexyman is, but I barely knew what they actually looked like.
To my surprise, they are all pretty much copy and pastes of the same archetype and silhouette of a person; skinny, tall, and evil. I think that this is where most of my confidence comes from as to why I believe I can successfully beat up a good handful of these so-called sexymen in an old-fashioned physical fight. Furthermore, I have made a list as to who they are, and why I think that I would win.
Before the list, I believe that I need to write some of my qualifications as to why I am so confident I could beat up at least one of these Tumblr Sexymen. One, I workout (in)frequently, which probably gives me a little more muscle mass than some characters on this list. Two, I have consumed most of the media that these characters come from, so I understand how they operate and some of their weaknesses. Three, I have some pent up anger that would feel amazing to let out while pummeling my fist into the face of one of these sexymen. I am my father’s child, after all.
Onceler
This is towards Onceler when he was in his prime, and not a decrepit old man by the end of the Lorax movie. I have to mention that in most Lorax adaptations, Onceler is depicted with an axe; However, I did say we would be physically fighting, so no weapons are allowed. Much like what Onceler spends his entire life chopping down, bro is built like a tree. Tree might be an overstatement, but I think you understand what I am saying. I can see myself cracking this guy in the jaw as a one-punch KO, or at least breaking a fibula. He does not do much other than being evil and sitting up in his evil building, so I have no worries that he is secretly jacked or something.
Jack Skellington
First off, Mr. Skellington is literally a skeleton. There is no skin or muscle to hold me back from snapping a few bones in his evil little body. To fuel this fight, I will most likely be running off of adrenaline I have from my small phobia of stop-motion movies, which is the original media type this Sexyman comes from. Just seeing Jack Skellington is enough to fill me with enough fear to fend for my life and want to get this man AWAY FROM ME.
Bill Cypher
This one is a little tricky to explain, and may make me sound a little overzealous. Whenever Bill Cypher is discussed in a sexyman context, he is always in that twink form with the yellow and black suit. One key detail here is his one-eyed likeness is transferred over, meaning he likely has a blindspot in whatever side does not have his eye. I have to mention again that this is solely a physical fight, meaning Mr. Cypher cannot rely on any sort of all-being magic he possesses. With that being said, I feel this gives me enough courage to fight him, as he probably does not know how to operate without any of his powers. After all, at the end of the “Gravity Falls” series, he did not take losing all too well. If all else fails, as in I cannot fight him with my two bare hands, I can hit him with that sad backstory of his.
Nagito Komaeda
Because of how confident I am, this is a short explanation. Yes, he is tall and thin, but Nagito is also sickly. Specifically, stage three malignant lymphoma with some dementia. Would I technically be beating up someone with a terminal illness? Yeah, but have you considered he is not a great guy? Someone needs to keep this sexyman in check, and I am willing to do that.
Spamton
I am going to be honest, I do not know much about Spamton or Deltarune as a whole, so I am purely going off of looks here. And, my god, this guy looks so punchable. I have also heard that he is a salesman, which adds to my annoyance over him. If he wants me to take my chance to be a big shot, of course I will do it. I will also say that he does look a bit more muscular than the other Sexymen I have seen, so maybe I have someone who can finally put up a fight.
Wheatley
I actually really like Wheatley, so I say with all the love in my heart that I would most definitely win in a fight against him. I feel as if I could take either his orb-robot or human form, because I am relying on the fact that he is lowkey a giant idiot. That, and either form I imagine he is like a fragile little duckling who can be swept away by one gust of wind. He gives me paternal instincts in the way I want to shake his little robot body until it is no longer functioning.
Sans Undertale
You are telling me that you, yourself, could not win in a fight against an emo looking skeleton with no insane powers? I would punt that bitch like a football. I don’t care about canonical height. I always liked Papyrus more anyway, so I would fight him with no remorse. Kind of like Jack Skellington, without any insane powers he is just one lump of bones. I imagine him making the minecraft skeleton hitting sound while I am kicking him.
Megamind
Just seeing this guy PISSES ME OFF. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed Megamind as a movie franchise, but his specific character makes me upset. I find it unbelievable that there is no way that he has some form of brain damage from that enlarged head of his. Or, maybe it’s just his cranium that’s huge, and his brain is normal sized. Anyways, from analyzing his super awesome villain outfits, he wears spikes on literally every surface on his body except for his stomach, which is the prime spot to punch him.
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