It’s no secret that I have a strong dislike of fish. Maybe it’s the trauma of growing up on  the river with an older brother. His favorite bit was convincing me the fish would bite my toes and try to drown me. There’s not many fish, if any, in the St. Croix river that have the strength to do that, but that doesn’t mean that the giant fish puttering around the ocean can’t. There are so many reasons as to why this is a rational fear and hatred. One, they’re so freaky looking. Two, they breathe water! Three, they’re slimy and gross. And finally, four; they don’t even taste that good.

Fish are some of the most unsettling looking creatures. I don’t like how the toothless fish’s mouth moves when they eat; I am convinced that they can suck my skin clean off. Don’t even get me started on the ones with teeth. Piranas and Sturgeons are two fish I never hope to see. While my mom and I were snorkeling in Mexico (her idea) I saw a barracuda and I’ve never left the water faster in my life. Another time in  Hawaii my dad and I got our flippers on and started wading into the water. Within seconds of plunging my face into the water the fish had me surrounded. One slimy fish bumping into me, sent me running out of the water, flippers and all. It’s still quite the story in my family to this day; my dad can’t retell it without laughing his ass off. 

Yes I know it’s natural for fish to breathe water. That’s why they have those god-awful gills that people can and have stuck their fingers and arms through. Have you ever heard of noodling catfish? People use their hands and arms as bait to lure catfish out of their dens. THEY PUT THEIR WHOLE GODDAMN FOREARM IN THE FISH. Tell me this, would a sane person do that? Besides, water creatures don’t all need gills. Take turtles and whales, they swim majestically through the waters and come up for air. I wish fish were the same. They couldn’t lurk in the depths like they do now and they would be much easier to spot. So evolution, I’m gonna need you to get on that. 

Getting asked to hold a fish is my worst nightmare. I’d rather pet a bear than touch a fish. The slime that coats them is a love child of nickelodeon slime and saliva. The smell is putrid and has made me gag on more than one occasion. Before I had the option of sitting out on family fishing trips, I would watch in disgust as one of my cousins reeled in a fish and eagerly grabbed it with their bare hands. I moved as far away from the fishers as possible but that didn’t stop them from taunting me with their catches and bait. If you like fishing for fun, ignore this part. Catch and release is the most pointless thing in my mind. Why bother fishing if you’re not gonna eat the fish? I’m not a monster, I don’t wish fish pain so why don’t we just let them be instead of tricking them into impaling their lips on a hook. Why release them out of the water, where they suffocate for lack of better terms, just to release them back into the water? If we stopped bugging them, maybe they would stop bugging us (me specifically).

Fish can be as common as chicken or expensive as a prime cut of wagyu steak. It depends on the fish and how it’s prepared. A shocker to no one, I don’t like any fish. The only seafood I like is lobster, crab, and on occasion, shrimp. The texture of fish is both slimy and flaky, which I didn’t know was possible. I’ve tried many fish as a part of a fisherman family. Walleye, sunfish, trout, etc. I could only stomach a few bites of each. It doesn’t help that I almost swallowed a fish bone once. The thin twig-like bone poking the back of my throat is something I’ll never forget. Let’s talk about caviar. What kind of weirdo do you have to be to like eating salted fish eggs? I think the only reason this is a ‘delicacy’ is because only rich people can afford to eat it on the regular. Who doesn’t wanna be rich? Especially so you can afford some slimy, salted fish roe!

So now you know the horrors of fish. If this too inspired a fear or disliking to the creatures, I am sorry. But join the club (it’s just me) of fish fearers. I think this fear is more common than people believe and I felt a calling to bring attention to the very real, very rational, fishphobia.

Featured image: Betty Cavicchia’28