By SOPHIA NITSCHE and ELLA DIERS

Picture this: It’s the third of August, and you, a Beloit college student, have been working your ass off during the first week of school longing for a break. You and your friends are getting ready for the first big thing on campus—Sigma Chi’s highlighter party! The loud neon poster promises a tall glass of hope and relief. You and your friends don your white shirts, cut up and cropped to be hot, you grab a couple of highlighters, and make your way down frat row. But wait, what’s that? A commotion? Someone coming up to you, saying… saying what? The Sig party has been WHAT? It’s been canceled!? No what the hell! You were so excited 🙁 You were so looking forward to horny young adults drawing silly things on each other! You are left with so many questions, but the big one rattling around in your brain is WHY?? Why has the Sig party been canceled? And so last minute, too? No one knows for sure, it’s truly a mystery that literally no one can answer. We were all left in the lurch. So what happened? We have some theories. 

Theory 1: 

They just got tired and wanted a night in with the boys. Maybe they found where Bottoms was playing and got so worked up while watching they needed a rest…

Theory 2: 

Someone waffle stomped too hard in showers and clogged them and they filled up and flooded the bathrooms. 

Theory 3:

A giant rodent got in and ate through the pipes and had babies in the walls. 

Theory 4: 

They didn’t get permission from security (probs not this one though).

Theory 5: 

They forgot 🙁

Theory 6:

DJ Cyrex was SUPPOSED to come back but he tripped and fell down a well. Greg stepped up this week though…

Theory 7:

Floor completely collapsed during their pre-party ritual. 

Theory 8: 

Someone got hungry and started eating the glowsticks. The toilets are glowing and iridescent. 

Theory 9: 

They were eepy