Everyone has COVID!

By SOPHIA NITSCHE

Do you remember that pandemic that we had a couple years ago? Well, apparently it has not fully gone away. Many members of our sacred Beloit college campus have come down with COVID 19. There have been whispers around campus theorizing where it has come from but I am here to tell you it did not come from my house. 

A beautiful blue home sits upon two plots of land. The garden glistens, attracting all sorts of wildlife. The three beautiful brunettes who reside there, are regularly seen skipping all about. Three smiling animals, two cats and a dog, sit beside each other on the porch discussing politics and all wearing masks. As you can tell, the Beloit College COVID pandemic could not have come from here since we are simply too nice and kind. Our radiant smiles could zap away any germ! Any old fool would know that. 

But tragedy struck, when all three members of the gentle home, me included, were hit with COVID. A scandal. People started to whisper, once the COVID numbers grew, that it somehow originated from this very house.  

What the public doesn’t know is that there is a bigger scandal about to be uncovered in this very article. 

Picture this: It is the night of the Sig highlighter party. A very anticipated event since its rescheduling the week prior. Exactly at 11:30 p.m. that night, me and my housemates walked through the Sig door into a sweltering hallway that led to the grand ballroom. We danced a bit, but after exactly 25 minutes we decided to take a break outside. We were sitting on a solitary wall when, exactly at midnight, a secret passage opened up to some suspicious stairs leading underneath the frat house. We all turned to each other shocked and decided to leave, but a strange sound stopped us in our tracks.

“Meow meow”

We could only faintly make it out over the awesome music Sig was playing, so we were unsure what our next step was, until we heard it again.

“Meow purr”

As animal lovers, we couldn’t let this cat get trapped in this magical cellar. Who knew how long we had until the door vanished. Us girls, now very confident, marched in, hearts first, until we  reached the bottom. The moonlight touched less and less the further we got in, but we could very faintly  make out the shape of a rusty handle to a door a few paces in front of us. With a deep breath we opened the door to a horrendous sight, for in that very room stood a towering, six foot covid germ! The room, lit with a green evil glow, was filled with vents leading to parts of the fraternity house. Its tendrils were oozing farts of green gas to innocent party guests. Needless to say we abandoned the thought of a cat for when we locked eyes with that green glob, we knew it was evil. It did not take us long to haul the door closed, run back up those stairs and not look back. It was not until a couple days later where we spoke about the incident.

After that weekend many students started to come down with COVID. Us three girls have mostly healed. Our message to the public is to wash your hands, mask up and don’t breathe. 

Featured Image Credit: Amazon.com