By LILI EDWARDS
- Construction equipment
Honestly this one is pretty obvious, every weekday since early September I have woken up before 7 a.m. to the sounds of destruction. I think they tore up that one intersection at least 10 times. I have tripped on the way back to Clary at least once a day. I saw one of the excavators take out a group of small children.
- Basil
Mentioning my roommate’s cat again because I am still mad she shit under my bed last year. I honestly have never met a cat with sharper claws and she loves to use them on your stomach. She also is an alcoholic and likes to drive drunk. She has never been pulled over because she is such a good driver. Sometimes I think about calling the cops on her.
- Nuclear bomb??
What if the science center atrium floor fell away to reveal a secret nuclear bomb. I truly believe this could happen. Where else would you hide a nuclear bomb? Maybe we are preparing for war with Canada. I also think it could be housed in the powerhouse. Probably why they got rid of Hamilton’s tbh.
- DK’s mac n cheese
I have not actually eaten it to clarify. I was going to try it because I was curious but when the person in front of me got it I changed my mind. It looked so gray and so dry and I could not bring myself to ask for it. I got the cheese curds instead and they were also awful. At least they were the correct color.
- Barstool/gossip accounts
Yeesh. You guys really lack critical thinking skills and you suck.
- Atlatl collection
Someday the anthropology department will be so over it and will start a war with the rest of campus. I honestly cannot blame them. If I was an anthropology major I would secretly be training my skills for when the day came. The day being either a vampire uprising or someone walking too slow.
- All cardboard cutouts
I know a lot of you freaks have cardboard cutouts around campus. I am the proud co-owner of two cardboard cutouts(soon to be four). I just wonder if they are going to come alive and try to kill us all for mistreatment. Honestly I cut a hole in one of mine so I could throw a ping pong ball through it so I would understand if he killed me. The other one was left at Phi Psi which is also torture for him I would assume.
- President Boyton’s dogs
I think they probably trapped the real Boyton in the basement and have been masquerading as him. Who is really running the college is what we should be asking. Also what if they just decided to start biting everyone?? Who really knows.
- Femco punch
Never fails to get so many people so wasted. If there was a higher quantity of this punch on campus I think a lot of people would get alcohol poisoning.
- Powerhouse smokestack
So my thought process for this is if it falls into the river it could cause a tsunami(totally how it works). It could wipe out all of the Beloit area but especially the college. I theorize that if I climbed onto the roof of the powerhouse I could push the smokestack over. If I wanted to I could create the weirdest incident in Wisconsin since the town of Black River Falls.
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