By ELISA TURNER
The Grammys— an awards show that needs no introduction. And we all know and love our Beloit College professors. You know where this is going, you read the title. All jokes made in this article are meant to be lighthearted and not serious— professors, please don’t bar me from your classes. Without further ado, let’s get into it.
Kendrick Lamar — Heath Massey
Heath Massey is the Kendrick Lamar of Beloit College. We saw Kendrick walk up to the Grammys stage as slowly as possible, shaking as many hands as he could to bask in the glory of his own diss track, “Not Like Us”. And all for the euphoric moment of hearing the crowd shout “A MINOR” in melodic unison. In a cutthroat competition for clout, by god these artists are united in their hatred for Drake. Heath Massey is the type of guy to drag out his moment of victory until everyone in the room basks in it alongside him, or so I’ve been told. And, y’know, Kendrick just feels like a big philosophy guy. Cheers, Kendrick LaMassey.
Charlie XCX — Eric Boynton
Okay, yes, technically not a professor at this point in time. But the parallels are undeniable, aside from Eric’s poignant convocation query of “who here had a brat summer?” last semester. Both Charlie XCX and Eric Boynton followed in some funky footsteps— Charlie XCX, who came onstage for her performance shedding her fur coat and triggering everyone’s fight-or-flight response from the previous fur coat-dropper this Grammy’s season (thank you Bianca Censori); Eric, who had a big proverbial fur coat to fill, what with Scott Bierman’s legacy of being “the guy who did all but strip down to translucent mesh and strut the cement runway.” Only Eric Boynton could put on an epileptic seizure-inducing show that concludes with an innocuous “happy birthday” to a colleague. Thank you, Eric XCX.
Trevor Noah — Isaac Young
No, Trevor Noah did not win a Grammy. But I did read his autobiography “Born a Crime,” and I just really feel/fear they have the same vibes. They’re both humorous, transparent people— on day one, Isaac showed us a particular Rate My Professor review of his. That was very Trevor Noah of him, in my opinion. Isaac is also definitely the type of guy to illegally burn CDs. And I have a gut feeling— I have no proof for this— but I fear that he, like Trevor Noah, knows a suspicious amount of languages. But that’s just a theory— a Trevisaac Younoah theory.
Doechii — Tamara Ketabgian
Have you heard Tamara Ketabgian read poetry aloud to a class? Have you heard Doechii’s immaculate enunciation during her Grammys performance? I know I don’t need to say more, but I will. One time in an English class on a bright Thursday morning, Tamara Ketabgian started rapping My Shot from Hamilton aloud to the class. It was insane. It was bars. It was a hell of a Thursday. Speaking of Hamilton, during Doechii’s super energetic performance, I can’t help but feel that she moves kinda like Aaron Burr. And I could only think— y’know, if there was one Beloit professor who could serve Leslie Odom Jr. while relaying some of the most chaotic life-shaking events known to man, it would be our beloved Big K. You have our hearts, Tamara Ketabdoechii.
Sabrina Carpenter — Corbin Livingston
I can’t really explain this one. Similarly to how I was unsure if the set falling during her performance was accidental or on purpose, I can’t tell if dropping the f-bomb in an 8:00 AM chemistry class was an educational chess move or the work of a sleep-deprived mind. Either way, Sabrina’s silly shriek and Corbin’s “f*ckton of electrons” will stick with me for at least half of my academic career. We love you, Sabrina Corbinter.
Chappell Roan — Charles Westerberg
The Midwest Princess. The Femininomenon. Your favorite professor’s favorite professor. The one, the only— Charles Westerberg. People are not at all casual about their love for Charles. I still remember my first tour of Beloit, when someone from admissions told me “I could so picture you in a class with Charles, he’s amazing. If you end up not liking him— well, good luck babe.” I have friends from Charles’ sociology classes who stay up after midnight on school nights doing assignments and not even minding because of how much they like his class. But enough with the references— Chappell and Charles are icons. Keep on dancin’ at the Pink Pony Club, Chappell Westerberg <3
Featured image: Vivian Kopka’27
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