By ELISA TURNER
Kanye is killing it. And by it, I mean his PR team. On Friday, February 7, Kanye lost his 3-years-sober chip from Nazis Anonymous after, you guessed it, another mental break on Twitter. I can’t say we weren’t warned, though. On February 1, Kanye tweeted “Damn. Just warming up. I’m rich. I can say whatever I want. I do this for the broke me. Shout out to broke me this ones for you,” with the iconic Twitter piss-poor punctuation and all. And by god, he sure meant every word of that subtle, subtle foreshadowing. Let’s see exactly what Kanye tweeted “for the broke me.”
You just know it’s bad when the sentence “I TURNED DOWN 3 PHOTOS THIS WEEK WITH MAKE A WISH KIDS IN WHEELCHAIRS” is somehow the most tame of Friday’s quotes. Because it quickly goes off the rails with enthralling little autobiographical Ye fun facts such as “IM A NAZI” and “I LOVE HITLER NOW WHAT BITCHES.”
But, hey, I gotta give the guy props. He sure as hell stayed up-to-date on current events pressing for the average American citizen. Ignoring the fact that he was a little late to the punch, Kanye had some invaluable insight as to the Presidential inauguration. “ELON STOLE MY NAZI SWAG AT THE INAUGURATION YOOOO MY GUY GET YOUR OWN THIRD RALE” tweeted Kanye. Experts are still debating what Kanye could’ve possibly meant by “THIRD RALE,” but one can only assume that the nazi-ness had gotten so egregiously out of hand that even autocorrect had to step in and stop him from saying “third reich” on Twitter. That, or one of his PR managers aggressively tackled him mid-tweet, yielding the same result.
I interviewed ex-Kanye fan Ezekiel Kingsbury’25, who had some valuable insight as to the whole ordeal. When told Kayne was being a nazi on Twitter again, Kingsbury responded “Again? He was a nazi before? Dude, I haven’t listened to his stuff since Graduation.” When Kingsbury was informed that his beloved Ye turned down three photos with Make-A-Wish kids, Kingsbury responded “I thought he was a Christian?” Kanye’s PR team is undoubtedly amidst a nightmare at the moment, and when posed the hypothetical question of what he’d do in this precarious PR position, Kingsbury said “I’d remind everybody that the man wrote that beautiful, touching song about gold diggers… And then I’d probably kill myself.” An ambitious solution by Kingsbury.
I also interviewed ex-Kanye fan Elliot Ave-Lallemant’27, who has a suspicious amount of connections to a suspicious amount of people who know a suspicious amount of Kanye West lore. “He made Graduation, but I can’t say that anymore,” says Ave-Lallemant. “I can’t use that defense anymore because he sucks. Apparently his new album, VULTURES 3, is gonna be AI generated.” When asked how he would sweep Kayne’s recent misdeeds under the rug, Ave-Lallemant pondered for a brief moment before wisely deciding “I would probably be, like, he was hacked… He made Graduation, you can’t hold that against him… He is slightly autistic like ‘Rain Man’… He’s not of his right mind. He was having a manic episode, and he was using it to sell t-shirts.” Like any good PR manager, Ave-Lallemant gives out two statements that simply cannot both be true for the sake of covering his bases all while hoping nobody puts two and two together. Thank you, Elliot.
If these rancid strings of words on Twitter I cannot give the grace of calling sentences have proven anything, it’s that Kanye was right– he is rich, and he can say whatever he wants. I hope the broke Kayne, the dedication in this novel of heinousness, is happy. Because the rich Kanye is quite the douche.
Featured image: Wikipedia
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