When I was a kid I genuinely loved winter. Playing in the snow, making snow angels; there was this wonder to it. Having fun in what was, essentially, a giant-sized sandbox.
But times have changed. In middle school they said we weren’t allowed to touch snow during recess. Since then I’ve been embittered, and a well of hatred has opened up deep inside me. Snowforts and snowball fights no longer bring me happiness. The only thing that brings me any solace is forcing my misery onto other people.
That being said, here are the four biggest reasons why I can’t stand winter.
- It’s cold and dark
Low-hanging fruit first. It’s cold and dark. I don’t like the cold or the dark. Look, I have no problem with 40 degree weather. But when we reach the point where it hurts your face to be outside, I start to take issue. Dragging a coat around is tolerable, but I don’t want to have to shroud myself like some kind of night-wraith to feel comfortable being outside.
When I say it’s dark, what I really mean is that it gets dark early, which just fucks everything up. Your body thinks you’re supposed to be asleep when you have things to do and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and wither and die. The end result is that there’s just this blanket of lethargy over everything.
- It’s not festive
Let me elaborate on this. Winter as a season is associated with like, half of the holidays that exist. And that’s a reason to love it, isn’t it? Everything is decorated and people are friendly because they’re in the holiday spirit!
First of all, winter festivities are not winter. They are what we do to forget that it is winter. Loving winter because of Christmas and the holiday season is like loving summer because you get it off school. Which is a reason I love summer, but I don’t think that it’s fair to give the season credit for that. It’s like giving trees credit for the invention of paper money.
But okay, for the sake of argument let’s take our jolly winter-holiday bundle all as one thing. So all through December we have lights strung up and everyone’s drinking hot cocoa and fucking in the Maurer Link with santa hats on or whatever. But then we get to January and it keeps getting colder and more miserable, and what do we celebrate next? New Year’s, the week after. Fine. But when am I supposed to get my next hit of joy after that? Valentine’s Day? I don’t think it’s a real holiday if I still have to go to class.
So what’s left? A cold, barren month with nothing to do for fun and nothing to look forward to. January was named for the Roman god Janus, probably because it’s a two-faced bastard of a month. It starts you off the heels of Christmas and New Year’s, then kicks you in the teeth with the realization that there’s nothing but more cold waiting for you on the other side of it. I have to imagine this is why so many people give up on their New Year’s Resolutions; because right after they make them they’re confronted with the merciless reality of winter.
- It’s hideous
Winter can be beautiful. I cannot argue with this. Snow-covered landscapes can be unbelievably stunning. Glittering icicles! Pristine, beautiful snow.
Except that snow isn’t beautiful when it’s everywhere in half-melted patches with the smothered, dying grass underneath it showing through. Because most of the time, instead of a nice, even blanket of snow, we get a cowskin patchwork of white and green, or white and yellow if the grass didn’t make it.
That’s another thing — all the plants die. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I think trees are nice. I like leaves. I like flowers. I like color instead of gray and white. When I go outside I don’t want to feel like I’ve been institutionalized.
- Everyone else is sad
I am an empath, which means I cry at strangers’ funerals and then get asked to leave. The worst thing about winter for me is that no one else likes it, even the people who pretend they do. Maybe this is just my own perception of things, but it seems to me like everyone is always having a terrible time in winter. Everything stagnates and nothing happens, no one feels like putting any effort into anything, and because everyone else is unhappy everything just reinforces itself in a cycle of self-perpetuating sorrow.
In conclusion winter is terrible and I hate it, and candy canes aren’t even that good.
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