Top 6 Ways to Stay Warm in This God Forsaken Cold

By ELISA TURNER

Good day midwesterners. It gets cold. Here’s how to not be cold. This can help you gloat to your shivering loser friends. Imagine looking them in the eye as they tremble with fear and hypothermia, meanwhile you are nice and warm and sexy. Follow these tips and you, too, could be nice and warm and sexy.

Extra layers

Layers are essential to stay warm. Long underwear underneath your regular clothes, shirts underneath hoodies underneath coats, snow boots with thick socks, sherpa/fleece-lined clothing— all grand garments to prevent that pre-class frostbite. “But what about when the heaters in class—“ a heating dumbass cries, a freezing dumbass dies. Pick your battles, man.

Warming packs

Hand-warming packs are one of those things that you see in the line at Walgreens or Walmart, and you think “Wow, that sure is a great invention for midwesterners,” before going straight to the checkout because your grocery budget is too tight for anything more than ramen, hot cocoa, and strawberry vodka. But hand-warming packs can be a lifesaver in a pinch. You know how your hands are the first of your extremities to get cold? Not with these little defiances of Newtonian thermodynamics!

Hot beverages

Okay, so maybe obeying Newtonian thermodynamics can actually play to our advantage. The Powerhouse has that lovely tank of coffee with to-go cups. Or a dollar-store thermos chock full of homemade hot cocoa does wonders for the soul. A warm cup of something tasty can keep you from dying of hypothermia on your walk to the science center.

Liquor

This one is simple, but effective. Get absolutely hammered on your walk to class. There is no way this could possibly go wrong. I mean, come on— those little baby bottles of cinnamon liquor have “Fireball” right in the name for a reason. Bonus points if you combine this tip with the previous and nuke your whiskey in the microwave before taking it on a walk. 

Just don’t be a little bitch

Nut up, you obsolete doofus mcgooner. Put on your goddamn crop-tops, booty shorts, and open-toed sandals. Strut that exposed skin, baby! Snow be damned! Defy God and your own immune system!

Hunt your rivals for sport and make a pelt of their skin.

Yay!

Featured image: Vivian Kopka ’27