By THEO BJORNSTAD and VIVIAN KOPKA
The Aldrich Hall elevator has transformed from a means of transportation to a coveted spot to expel one’s stomach contents.
On August 25, 2023, a mysterious smell emerged from within the elevator in the Aldrich building on Beloit College’s campus. A deeply unpleasant acidic odor rendered the elevator almost completely useless for several days until it subsided. One could only conclude the cause of it: vomit.
Then, just two weeks later, the same acrid stench claimed the elevator yet again. While no one has confessed to the crime and no witnesses have come forward about the perpetrator, many Aldrich and non-Aldrich residents were subjected to not only the smell but the physical chunks that appeared the night of September 16, 2023. A brave soul, Cecilia Johnson, ‘27, called security for a clean-up. For this, we thank you, Cece.
However, the smell persists. There has been a monumental effort on the part of the maintenance team to defeat this perpetual stink. We greatly appreciate the security and maintenance teams for the clean-up, we know it’s not for the weak-minded–or weak-stomached, for that matter. The carpet appears to have been vacuumed many times but to no avail. From enzyme cleaners to women’s perfumes, nothing has been successful in covering up the obnoxious odor.
Whether it’s two separate, disconnected incidents, or if Aldrich has a serial vomiter is not yet clear. Still, it has already had profound effects on the environment and culture of the dorm. Ever since the creeping miasma infected the halls, people no longer collect themselves in the third or second-floor lounges. Places that were previously filled with chatter into the early hours now lie dormant. The chairs remain vacant, strewn haphazardly across the room, showing signs of a struggle. Even the half-full Mountain Dew bottle and accompanying (very) sticky table have been abandoned for three days now.
Now that we have introduced our situation, we have come up with a few options moving forward:
- Provide clothespins for nose upon entering
- Buy a new elevator (GoFundMe?)
- Hire prest to exorcize
- Pour an entire bottle of Vodka onto the carpet (disinfect + masking smell (would this just make people throw up again?))
- Release bounty upon the head/s of perpetrator/s
Please contact Viv or Theo with any questions, concerns, or suggestions about elevator solutions…
No, taking the stairs is not an option. It’s 2023. Stairs are for freaks.
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