By Elisa Turner
Spirit Halloween, the pop-up carnival of novelty holiday stores, carries something iconic with its name. It is the tantalizing seductress to all who enjoy the spooky paraphernalia. It is the terrorizer of toddlers, having never before seen such mechanical horrors whose true evils are thinly veiled by polyester and chipped paint, only to be seen by unjaded eyes. It is the last thriving inhabitant of buildings soon to be condemned. And as Halloween comes to an end, the Spirit stores vanish as quickly as they appeared.
That, however, may cease to be the case. Spirit Halloween is opening a new retail chain— Spirit Christmas. Spencer’s Gifts, owner of Spirit Halloween, has thrown in the towel and caved to the Christmas uprising. Personally, I’m fully in support of this rebranding. I hold no deep-rooted resentment towards this not-at-all obvious cash grab that totally doesn’t take everything we love about Spirit Halloween and bash it over the head with a candy cane. In fact, to show my unwavering support for this not-even-remotely pathetic business venture, I have some super awesome business ideas for the Spirit stores. As a fresh adult with very little understanding of the American economy, I feel very qualified to give this advice. Let’s get into it.
4. Advertise to Facebook Moms
Spencer’s Gifts has had the edgy teen/young adult demographic in their pockets for years now. It’s clearly time to expand their target audience. And who else yearns for merriment like suburban Facebook moms? Sure, in the past these ladies have launched small-town campaigns and petitions to close their local Spirit Halloween stores on account of Satanism. But give these local Bible-thumpers an overpriced nativity scene ornament hand-crafted by overseas child labor, and it’ll be water under the bridge.
3. Reuse Spooky Animatronics
Cheap corner-cutting strategies disguised as sustainability efforts have swept the nation. So why bother spending all that money and plastic making new Christmas animatronics? Just get a little paint, some thrift store Santa suits, and make those spooky scary skeletons merry. Cotton Candy Dan stirring the cotton candy with a human head? A few small tweaks can make him good ol’ Kris Kringle stirring a pot of nutmeg, so long as you ignore the aforementioned human head. That Victor and Emily animatronic set from “The Corpse Bride?” Put a fatsuit on Victor, turn that white dress red, and you’ve got a Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus animatronic set! “But what about the voice lines obviously from “The Corpse Bride” that play when the machine is activated?” I hear you ask. To that I say, Spirit has already bastardized their brand too close to the sun. Why bother with tying up these loose ends? Make the whole carn-evil a nativity scene. Have the hellhounds pull Santa’s sleigh. To hell with it all. Or, rather, to the North Pole with it all.
2. Keep (Anti)Christ in Christmas Merch
We’ve seen the bumper stickers plastered on silver SUVs and minivans chock full of kids. Spirit needs to double down on sucking up to these middle-aged moms while not completely shutting out their old target audience. Introducing the Keep Antichrist in Christmas merch. Nothing sells like controversy. I’m talking T-shirts, posters, yard signs, and bumper stickers. All of them glow with the eyes of the devil under UV light. Cheers!
1. Open Spirit Christmas in mid-September
Walmart, Menards, Home Depot, and more big box stores all do it— shoving their Halloween decor off the floors to make room for a ten-foot inflatable Santa before the kids have even put on their Halloween costumes. It angers us all. But they keep doing it every year, so clearly something’s working. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Spirit Christmas needs to open well before Spirit Halloween, before other stores have begun putting their Halloween decorations out. “The Nightmare before Christmas” is overplayed. Let’s put Christmas before the nightmare.
Featured Image: Spirit Christmas advertisment via Spirit Halloween
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