By CLAIRE WINTER

Has anyone looked at the Walmart book selection recently? No, I actually mean it. Really looked? Because I have, and I am disappointed. (Not with Walmart, that’s a different grievance for a different time.) I don’t expect quality. Hell, I don’t even expect them to be books half the time, you can put calendars there and I’ll cheer you on. But no. This week I had the pleasure of walking through the Walmart book aisle and seeing four bookcase shelves filled entirely with Booktok-trending books. 

Listen. I don’t ask for a lot. But some places are sacred. I hadn’t realized one of those places was Walmart’s selection of literary content, but seeing it with “Booktok” on the sign was an experience that I can only describe as a direct injection of cynicism into the part of my soul that tells me that some fights aren’t worth picking. Booktok is RUINING my Walmart experience. 

Colleen Hoover does not need an entire shelf dedicated to her mediocre retellings of the same alpha male who growls all of his sentences meets the blandest woman possible in a “meet-cute”. I don’t need whatever Tears of the Wolf is (wolves cannot actually cry) marketed at me. And all the covers? BORING. Overdesigned, AI-generated metal weapons with flowers are not an interesting cover anymore, that shit peaked in the 20-fucking-tens. Is there a single artist designing every romance novel cover published nowadays?

I ventured (unfortunately) onto Booktok for an answer to this crime and found…people announcing they season their books. “I write spicy books”. I’m sorry, am I supposed to consume your book with my mouth and tongue? Am I to experience it with my tastebuds? Are you seasoning your books with cayenne pepper to make them extra spicy? “I can’t recommend you a book until I know your spice level haha”- Did I miss something? Are we at an Indian restaurant now and you’re judging my lack of capsaicin? The complete inability of grown adults to say the word “sex” is both disappointing and very, very telling. It won’t kill you. Here, I’ll do it for you right now.

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! 

Of course, it’s important to note that I am fortunate enough to have a medium in which I’m allowed to say…pretty much whatever I want. I don’t have the panting censorship directors of American social media breathing down my neck. (Just, you know, the Round Table editors’ wrath). Write books with sex! Go for it! But spicy as your go-between code word? Really? “I write books with no spice”. No shit, lady, generally when I think of writing I don’t think of paprika. Go back to ‘steamy’, I am begging you.  

Another thing- being someone who reads books isn’t your hot new beige mom lifestyle. People have been reading since we came up with the idea. Being a “book girlie” has turned into one of those things that people say when they mean “I read a normal amount of general books and have decided to make it into my entire personality”. The amount of giant, floor-to-ceiling, perfectly color-coordinated bookshelves I’ve seen on Booktok is insane, and they all have the same uncanny effect as a showroom in Ikea. A hypothetical ideal that you can sigh at and strive for, sure. But nobody has ever, or will ever, live in those spaces. They’re not made to be used. You can’t tell me you don’t spend more time making sure that giant bookcase looks absolutely picture-perfect for every video than you do reading any of those books. I hate to break it to you, but we’re not living in Bridgerton. You don’t need to put on a floral jumpsuit to read about domestic abuse. You can if you want, but, like…come on. 

I’m veering dangerously close to the Boomer-esque “anything a teenage girl can like is cringe” kind of complaining. Books are, and always have been, meant to be read for enjoyment and entertainment. Booktok isn’t the end of the literary world- realistically, it’s not even a spike. And having been a teen girl pretty recently, I can even see the appeal of a curated market specifically for your demographic. But honestly, the whole thing grates at me. People are reading, which is good, but is this the only thing available? Is the Walmart book section doomed to books where I could open any novel to any page and pick out the word “smolder”? 

And could we please stop using spice as anything but “a substance to put on food”?

Featured Image: Vivian Kopka’27