By ELISA TURNER
Have you found yourself in possession of a $50 Walmart gift card? Don’t know what to do with it? Are you required to spend it within the next 24 hours in order to acquire the rest of your great uncle’s abundant wealth? Then boy do I have the article for you.
5. 20 Chicken Pot Pies
Savory, microwavable, artery-clogging. What’s not to love? They are delicious. I ate these every day for, like, a month. Has it done irreversible damage to my cardiac health? Probably. Will that stop you? No, because let’s be real— you’ve probably put nastier, greasier meats into your body. And, hey, more power to you, no shame here! But maybe it’s time to put Chad down for a second, and pick up Marie. Marie Callender, that is, and her delicious pot pies.
4. One hundred and sixty-six bricks of ramen.
Maruchan ramen, our lord and savior. Remember when those crappy youtube channels would fix sinks and toilets and stupid shit with these ramen noodles? The lies they had us believe about noodles and plaster. But with one hundred and sixty-six bricks of ramen, you too can bait children with brain-rot “life hacks.” Or, you could replace your foe’s entire ceiling with a panel of ramen. Then, on a day when they’re particularly grinding your gears, pour boiling water atop their ramen ceiling. Aside from the third-degree burns, this dumbass won’t have a ceiling. It’ll just be noodles on the floor. Everyone will look at them and cry out, “Hark! Feast thine eyes upon the disfigured one! Sans roof, sans skin graft, sans harlots!”
3. At least two booktok books
Okay, the prices range on this one, but the point still stands. There’s like three shelves dedicated to this literary shame in almost every Walmart. You could get at least two booktok books and cringe with your friends at them. There’s deranged sex fantasies everywhere you look— Haunting Adeline features vaginal penetration with a firearm, Hooked showcases the desire to fuck a woman atop her father’s dead body, and It Ends With Us gives a filthy kitchen safety tutorial (read: sex, for some reason, with second-degree burns, a running oven, broken glass, and open wounds. Not even in an “ooh dark sexy masochism” way, actually just character clumsiness. Personally I’m convinced that Colleen Hoover might have never been inside a kitchen in her life and does not understand that those things are not conducive to a seductive atmosphere). You, too, can be a hater like me.
2. 75 hours of energy
With fifty Walmart dollars, you can buy 15 bottles of 5-hour energy, which comes out to 75 hours of energy. And as we all know, if you are in an impending-death situation, 5-hour-energy is required (by basic advertising laws) to grant you five additional hours of spry, energetic life— otherwise it’s false advertising, and you can sue for that. With 15 bottles of 5-hour energy, you will gain three additional days of lively survival, effectively evading mortality with a $50 Walmart gift card.
- One raw, unrestrained, passionate night with your mom
I mean, I don’t know if you personally would wanna do this, but it’s what I got with my $50 Walmart gift card.
Featured image: Vivian Kopka’2
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