By ELISA TURNER
5. Hockey
First of all? Skating is a skill. Skating while trying to hit a mobile hamburger patty flits across the ice? Absolute art. It’s like soccer but a trillion times better. All the visual loveliness of sports without the pungent sweat smells (thank you ice-cold rink). And they fight each other! With sticks in hand and blades on feet, it fosters an environment conducive to violence, and boy do I like watching those men bleed.
4. Figure skating
Take the previous thing, but remove the violence. Then make them dancers. Then put them in pretty outfits. I could probably count all the haters of figure skating on one hand, and they’re all just miffed drunkards who came to the ice rink on the wrong day wearing jerseys and face paint, looking stupid as hell while the pretty and talented people skate around.
3. Swimming
Water! I don’t even care what kind of swimming. Not only is swimming a valuable skill, but the fact that it’s a sport is pretty epic. I think Michael Phelps has single handedly convinced parents to teach their kids how to swim. Think about it. When was the last time you encountered a child who didn’t know how to swim? I’m, like, pretty sure the number of swimming children has increased recently. My mother is a first-generation immigrant from a water-surrounded third-world country, and she still does not know how to swim. If you threw her into the pool, she would not make it. That’s a little embarrassing. Swimming is awesome though.
2. Starting an essay at 11:42 when the deadline is 11:59
A blood-pressure raising, butt-clenching sport if I’ve ever done one. Now, you may be thinking– dude, that’s not a sport. Well, then why am I blowing through preworkout trying to do it?? Why does it skyrocket your heart rate to, like, 200?? I rest my case.
- Volleyball
I admire volleyball, it is my one true love. You ever seen the players with the three-foot verticals? The absolutely decimating, skull-crushing spikes? The insane volleys? It’s so fun to watch. And beach volleyball is fun for everyone, despite the fact that physics will be your enemy during the play time. Volleyball is the winner of sports, it is the bestest sport. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
Featured image: AP News
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