I’m no culinary pioneer, but sometimes you’re at Commoltons or the grocery store and you just need to shake things up. This is the guide for you. We’ll start with things you can work with at Commoltons, then work our way outwards.
The Donkin
I made this originally when I was a wee lad. I don’t remember why I decided to call it a donkin, but that’s what I’ve called it in my head for most of my life. Very simply, it is a toasted plain bagel topped with peanut butter, and — using the peanut butter as a glue — further topped with whole grapes. I used to be able to make this at Commoltons, but they’ve gotten rid of/hid the Jif peanut butter packs. If someone knows where it has gone please email me. Otherwise, you may resort to taking some peanut butter from DK’s and bringing it to Commoltons for the purposes of making the donkin.
Commoltons Tenders Dipping Sauce
There’s sort of a specific use case for this. Go to Commoltons on a day they have both chicken tenders and tacos. Get the newly smaller and sadder (unless you’re an athlete) Bon Appetit-sanctioned portion of chicken tenders and put them on your plate. Then, on the side, get a heaping spoonful of sour cream. Top it with cilantro, and drizzle generously with hot honey. For bonus points, get a waffle. The sweet, warm, light, and fresh aspects of the sauce go well with the tenders, dry and cardboardy as they may be.
Gardetto’s and Tofu
This is a sort of last resort food for when you need protein and you want it to taste slightly better than eating straight powdered whey. A spoonful of Gardetto’s, and a little cube of extra-firm tofu, both in one bite. Optionally, salt and pepper the tofu beforehand. It’s savory and not too dry, with just enough protein to ensure you can walk back to your dorm AND cry without collapsing on the bridge!
Chicken Gruel
Another satiator for the dire times of Commoltons, often seen close to the end of the semester. Go to the soup section and take a ladle or two of whatever has a chicken broth base — but just the broth. No chunks. No chewables. Then, grab 3-4 packets of oyster crackers from atop the soup stand. When you sit down to eat, unleash the crackers into the broth until they have soaked up all of it. The soup should be a somewhat homogenous chicken-carb gruel consistency, like something you’d feed to someone fresh out of wisdom teeth surgery. Then, consume. This is its purpose.
Sweet Butterghetti
For this, you need some al dente spaghetti, a pad of salted butter, and a spoonful of powdered sugar. You may have seen this on the interweb somewhere. I am here to verify that the interweb is right. Melt the butter on the al dente spaghetti, and sprinkle powdered sugar on top. Mix it around to disperse, then enjoy.
Brie-se’s Take 5
Get a Reese’s Take 5® from Woodman’s, and double-creme soft ripened brie from Aldi. Place a slice of brie (not a thin one — get a CHONK!!!) and put it on the flat side of the Reese’s Take 5®. Eat it whole. The Reese’s Take 5® is a nearly perfect chocolate, with the desirable elements of chocolate, peanut butter, pretzels, and caramel forming a perfect savory-sweet crunch bite. The addition of brie gives it a creamy, tangy note that also elevates the existing nuttiness and richness. Honorable mention in this category — nerds gummy clusters and brie, if you like a fruity, lighter pairing more.
Featured image: Claire Winter’28
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